Embracing my Inner Rocky

Okay, so here is something you should know about me: I love Rocky Balboa. I do. I have a t-shirt and everything (I also have a Henry VIII shirt, but that’s another story). I remember watching all of the Rocky movies when I was probably 6 or 7 years old and just really enjoying the movies. I do not know why, really. It was probably the heavy use of the power sax. Gotta love that 80s musicality amIright? I should be clear though, I am not necessarily a fan of Sylvester Stallone. I like the movies he did around that time period, but I get the feeling he is really a jerk in real life and that bugs me. However, I will take a sweet 80s fitness montage whenever I can get it. Rocky IV being the greatest of all time. That song? Don’t get me started.   ^^That is totally for your viewing pleasure. How he beats the pants off that Russian is an American freaking miracle and we should just all jump for joy. I mean, he effectively ended the cold war with a jump rope and a sweet synth-laden power ballad (ish). No steroids either. Lap up that liberty peeps. 😉

In all seriousness though, why am I professing my unyielding love for one Mr. Rocky Balboa? Because I totally get to be him now. Oh yeah, I am going head to head with Putin himself in a week. About to serve up some freedom, just let me hail my Bald Eagle.

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Same color as I assume the bruises on my muscles are. Damn I hurt.

Really though, I do get to box. I have joined Title 1 Boxing as there is one right around the corner (basically) and now I get my ass kicked 3 times a week while wearing sweet purple boxing gloves. My husband already has a membership so it was actually cheaper for me to pay for 2 months, plus gloves, plus wraps, than one week of daycare. Since I do not have to pay for daycare during the summer (teacher perk!), I could afford to do something for my body and mind. It is hard. Not joking, it is actually really hard. However, it is so liberating to just lay into that bag. I beat it like it owes me something. Really though, I owe me something, and that thing is fitness. This is just another step toward being the person I really want to be. I want to be fit for my kids so they have that kind of role model in their lives. I also want to just feel good. I have taken off running for the week while my body gets acclimated to this beating and next week I will alternate days. The goal is to be able to do two-a-days wherein I will run in the morning and box in the evenings 3 days a week. I am really driven here.

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So, aside from a small glimpse into the greatness that is Rocky in general and Rocky IV in particular, I want to leave you with a little note. I think it is important to try and make time for you. This entire journey has always been about me getting a little bit of sanity back into my very hectic life. Being a parent is hard and scary and stressful for a number of reasons. Being a teacher is all of these things as well. I sometimes feel like the world is crushing in on me because I can’t see the light on the other side of this long tunnel. Running, and now boxing, helps me to find ME when everything becomes muddy. I don’t want to be misunderstood here people: I love being a mom and a teacher. However, it is important to find a part of myself that is just simply Stephanie. I run to that person and now I am literally fighting to dig her out again. I hope you find you too.

Preaching to my SOLE!

A stock photo of my shoes, because an actual photo of their present state would maybe make you cringe. Also…I am not in the mood to drag them out of the closet and stage them for a pic. #honesty 😉

So I think it is time to get some new running shoes. I have been rocking the Nike Free 5s for almost a year now and they have logged quite a few miles.

However, after this morning’s run, I am beginning to wonder if some of the leg-cramping from the other day was not at least pseudo-related to shoe wear. This morning I got up for my morning run, which should have been epic considering I had so much going for me. My youngest slept through the night (a totally subjective thing, but he slept for over 8 hours in a row which is a rarity), I had ample time to stretch, I got in some water, and it was not yet too blazing hot or humid. I figured it would be good. However, I could tell about halfway through that my knee was just not going to be a fan of the run. The last time it started hurting like this was when I had on the wrong shoes.

And so…

Remember her? Remember rocking those hair berets? I did. It was not pretty.

What shoes should I get? I had some students that were pretty serious runners (one is going to college on a track scholarship!) tell me to get Brooks if I was going to be doing any sort of distance. One of my friends that runs quite a bit said she has heard good things about Mizunos. She actually said that Nikes are notoriously bad for flat feet, which is something I have struggled with for years (because being 11 isn’t hard enough without having some orthopedic inserts to jazz it up). So maybe I could really up my game with a change of shoe?

Now, I am a tad afraid to just order a pair of shoes without trying them on. I ended up with a half-size up in my Nikes and at times that even feels a bit tight. I have narrow feet, so I can imagine if you have wide feet that the Nike Frees are just not for you. That said, I think I will be making a trip to one of the many running stores near me to see what I can find and who has a pickable brain about this sort of thing. I will likely be buying an “older” model running shoe (I feel like I am talking about a car when I say things like that, btw), because cost-effectiveness is always a priority. Obviously.

And with that…I am off into the void. Searching for shoes. Avoiding pushy sales people.

Until next time,

Wow, it has been a while!

I have not posted here in about 6 months (maybe more) and it is a complete shame. I HAVE been running, I have done a few races actually. However, I would be greatly remiss if I told you I was keeping up with it in the manner I should have for the entirety of this separation. Allow me to summarize:

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Kinsale St. Patrick’s Day 4 Miler: March 14th, 2015

I ran this one with my brother. I should say that “with” is a loose term. My brother smoked my 12 minute mile (usually) pace, clocking an impressive 32 minutes for the four mile course. This was my first race back at it after the winter lull in which I did not train as much as I wanted to (negative temperatures were just not my thing).

I also learned a valuable lesson: I am not an evening runner. I did poorly for a number of reasons. Chiefly: I wasn’t well-trained enough. I did not end in last place, but I did not do as well as I would have liked. In addition to this I learned that I am not providing my body with the things it needs to do the job right. I did not eat well and I did not properly hydrate throughout that day. It was a recipe for disaster, but I did at least learn something.

*BONUS*

The next morning I got up to run a couple miles and fell. I truly ate dirt. Luckily it was at the end of my run and near enough to my house that I did not have to hobble far.

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Lady Tutu 5K: March 28th, 2015

Let it never be said that I do not enjoy a good tutu, my husband on the other hand was so happy to see this leave the dining room-ahem, my workstation- for good. It had glitter tulle in it and I loved it.

This race was wonderful for a number of reasons. It was unseasonably cold, which actually ended up not being too bad. I got to run it with my best friend, her first 5k, and having never run with a friend before I must say it was really very fun. I hit a PR and felt amazing after it was all said and done. We then went to waffle house and I demolished one hell of a breakfast.

After this I got to have a nap. If any of you out there have kids, you know this is a rarity. I was cold to the bone and I had plans with my other best friend that evening and I NEEDED a nap. I was happy for the hour I got.

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The Lull From Lady Tutu all the way until school let out:

I usually do not like to discuss personal matters, but lately I have been reading a lot about people who find comfort knowing others are going through the same thing as them. After those races I was riding on a serious high, but then I crashed. The end of the school year was upon me, there was a lot to be done to finish up novels and make sure all standards were covered. Sometimes it felt like the world was shrinking in on me. My anxiety peaked and panic attacks became frequent. I knew that running would help to balance me out, but there just did not seem to be enough hours in the day. I also turned to food to comfort me, even if I was not fully aware of it at the time. My husband, who joined Title Boxing club, lost 65 pounds and while I was so very proud of him I was also intensely jealous. I always maintain that I do not run for weight-loss as much as mental well-being, but it was hard to have done something for so long and counted every calorie and cut out everything “bad” (prior to the breakdown I seemed to have found myself in) to lose barely 10 lbs. It was just the last, albeit superficial, straw. I then stopped counting calories, which in addition to stopping running caused me to tack back on those 10 lbs.

This was one of the many quotes I found that I started to look at religiously. “Little Inspirations” as I called them, helped me breathe a little easier and know that eventually I would come out on the other side.

But then…

The year started to come to a close. I finished up the last of my RESA tasks (it is a nightmare, I cannot even begin to tell you), the retiring librarian donated an entire book shelf worth of books to my class library, and I started making plans to get my rear back in gear. I began to breathe easier.

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The Candy Race: June 20th, 2015

Can you tell that it was raining and freaking horrible? That lovely lady to my left (your right), the one without a small child attached to their body? That is my sister. It was exciting to run a race “with” my sister. I say with loosely here because, once again despite my training I was beaten by my sibling. This time though, it was not so bad. Actually, we probably would have ended together had I not had a cramp in the middle of mile 1, causing me to pretty much limp/walk for a majority of the race. Let that be a lesson folks, STRETCH!!! I couldn’t get my husband out of the house that day, and so by the time we got on the road, I was left with only 10 minutes to stretch before running in the pouring rain. It did not go well. This was the worst time I have ever done. As a matter of fact, I clocked the same distance about 12 minutes faster just two days prior to this race. I was devastated and cried most of the way home. This was my first race back at it and it was the worst race I had ever done. Hell, it was the worst RUN I had ever done. I felt pathetic at best and while I typically despise self-pity, I definitely wallowed in it for about 24 hours.

However, there are bright and shiny moments to this gloomy day:

My sister, who finished 6 minutes ahead of me, came back to get me so we could cross together. It was the kindest thing that I can remember someone doing for me in quite some time. My family is supportive and my sister is a shining example of that. My heart swelled so much and I swear to you I almost cried right there.

Also, there was a kid’s dash:

Henry got to run and he did quite well. Of course they do not time the kids’ dashes, but I would not have cared if he was dead last. I was super proud.

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And so that is where we are right now. I am very much training for a half-marathon as we speak. I am also going to start going to Title boxing as well for cross-training. I had meant to start going a couple of weeks ago, but I decided I needed to get back in the habit of JUST running before adding in something else. If you stuck around for this whole post, thanks. I appreciate it. Tomorrow I will begin posting more “normal” posts, but today I will leave you with this:

New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!

I am sorry for the lull in posts, I really am still running. I have changed my goal a bit though, as opposed to doing a 5k every month for a year, I am upping myself to a few 5ks, but also 10ks whenever possible. Additionally, I am planning on running in the Capital City Half Marathon here in Columbus this May.

WHAT?!

The inevitable tool of my demise, lol

I downloaded the 13.1 app for my phone, and the thing I like about it is that it appears to focus on shorter length of time running, but with more repetition. The hard part about the C25K program is that I really have trouble doing anything more than 5 solid minutes of running, before I need a minute of walk time. Running for 30 minutes with no walk time, well that is just not going to happen. That is not to say I will not eventually build up to that, but I am just not there right now. I am not ashamed (okay, maybe a little), this is being done in baby steps.

Another thing I like about this app, is that is incorporates cross-training in. Every day of the week has a check off, and I like need that. This is a 13 week program, and while I planned on starting with the new year, the weather had other plans:

The White Death

You know, I think I could handle the snow, I really could. However, the White Death brought with it subzero freaking temps. It is actually negative 8 degrees outside right now. -8!! I hope you understand the gravity of that situation. I am not all about having ice in my lungs. HARD PASS.

Luckily, I do have access to a weight room with treadmills, ellipticals, and a few other machines at the school I work at, and while I hate the treadmill I am just going to have to suck it up. So now it is just a matter of not having school. I love snow days, they are a lovely teacher perk, but if this is my  plan…well it is not going to work. BUT! If I start next week, that puts me at the middle of April as a finisher of the program. The 1/2 marathon is in May.

No truer words…

I have also had an excessively long-lasting headache for the better part of the last month, and so I have been having trouble getting the will to run. However, I am just going to have to push through it I guess, because I NEED to run. I run for the long term benefits, and every day I don’t run is a day I feel like I have taken away from my life in the future. So, I need to run (bitch?).

So…until next time,

p.s.

Look what my parents…err Santa… got me for Christmas?!

It can store up to 50 runs, and it basically talks to my shoes. That is some serious technology, and it is for my wrist! #fitnessbling people!

 

Man I am running late…(was that a pun?)

I ran in the Hot Chocolate 5k/15k and I learned a very valuable lesson: next year, do the 15k. While the chocolate at the end is sweet, I want the damned medal…lol

Yay! they gave me a mug full of hot chocolate and candy and fondue…

Here is the skinny on running the Hot Chocolate race: while the prize may be the best cup of hot cocoa I have ever received (I am convinced this is because I was so cold that literally anything warm would have been welcome. I would have drank lava.), the race itself was maybe the coldest I have ever been in my life. We are at 2 weeks post race now and I still have a cough, though at least I am not coughing up stuff similar to that thing from Ghostbusters 1. Ectoplasm? I don’t know.

What I do know is that despite the fact I live in Columbus (the Columbus area), I will be staying in a hotel next year. Being 2 hours early just so I can park is for the birds. I was so cold I could actually not feel my thighs by the time the race was over. My husband, the tremendous flaky slacker (hope you are reading this honey) that he is, having stopped running approximately 5 minutes after buying new running shoes and under armour shorts, was forced to sit and watch in the cold. He told me he wished he had ran.

Told you so honey.

Yep. Betcha did.

Somewhere around mile 1 I stopped being cold. So there is that. Somewhere around mile 2.5, I realized I probably could go at least 5 miles. It would have been no big deal, because hey, why not? I feel like there is definitely this feeling that kicks in around then where it feels better to run than to walk, so just run.

Another fun thing about this race (have I said it was fun? yeah…it was totally fun), is that they give you chocolate in the middle of the race. No freaking joke. They have a little sign that says “chocolate chip aid station ahead,” and I thought “Hey, what a cute name for a first aid station!” You know, I thought (logically?) that maybe it was a place for an injured runner to get a band aid or something. Nope.

It was actually a place for chocolate chips. They handed out chocolate chips to runners. Hahaha!

It understands that obviously, mid-run, we would like a bit of chocolate…

I ate one, shoved the rest in my pocket, and called it even. However, a couple hundred feet ahead there was just half-chewed pieces of chocolate spit all over the ground. It was totally gross. Lol. I just saved it for the kids, I knew they would be excited about chocolate pieces, however arbitrary they may be.

Now let’s get down to brass tacks:

My time sucked. Hard. I would like to think that the majority of the reason why is because I was so cold. All in all I actually did not do that bad, all things considering. For my age category I came in smack in the middle. I am trying to decide if it matters or not what my time is. I do not think it really does, because I do not do this for the race factor. I do this for the health factor.

run forrest…run

Man…I am not a pretty runner. I think that is okay. I feel good about what I did here, so I will accept it. Besides, pretty is subjective. 🙂

I feel like I could go on and on about this race, but I genuinely do not want to take up much more of your time than necessary. I will leave you with this: Rock on peeps! Even if it is freezing, even if you have to stop to walk a bit. Make it happen. You are loved, just the way you are, but if this is something you would like to make a part of the many faceted you, then by all means, do it! I am, and it is by tippy toes, not leaps. You’ve got this!

Fear Not!

I am still running, I promise. However, I am also a teacher and have one helluva commute and so my time to post is scarce. My free time is a precious commodity that must be divvied up to make two small children and one husband happy while simultaneously allowing me to plan my lessons. Making time to run is something I have not been doing great at…

BUT I AM TRYING I SWEAR!

inspiration?

Yeah… I firmly believe the douchebags that come up with little quips like that pinterest-gleaned bundle of sunshine right there are actually sadists. Sadists who have no commute and no kids and if they do have kids, they’re probably practically adults in their level of self-sufficiency by the age of two because lord knows the maker of this type of saying is not going to care for them. “what is that? you need me to wipe your nose? YOU ARE TWO, ALMOST THREE, ACT LIKE IT!”

I had about a week and a half where I did not run, I will be totally honest. I could genuinely not even walk like a normal person without copious amounts of ibuprofen and too many bags of frozen pees to count. I made the mistake of wearing heels (and they were “comfort” heels) to the first inservice of the year and now the ladies I work with think I am an idiot who can’t walk in heels. I had that whole “newborn calf” thing going.

Me: true story

Then, sometime relatively recently, I woke up and the pain was gone! I think it was after I got some new running shoes and I tried wearing them around the house in an attempt to break them in. As soon as I put them on, there was instant relief in my knee. This leads me to believe it was definitely a shoe/poor form issue with my knee in the first place. Now that I have my lovely new tennies, and I have tweaked my stride a bit, I have not had any knee issues, so YAY!! Not to mention they are pretty. I am a sucker for pink.

My new Nike Free 5.0 shoes! They have nike plus, but I haven’t set it up yet. Should I? Is that something any of you use?

Pay no attention to the crappy flash. I dropped my phone (a myriad of times) and this happened. The shoes are great, hubby got a pair in some super neon green, but they don’t have nike plus. So do I maybe have 1 up on him? I would like to think so.

So now I am back to the grind of running! I love the freedom I feel when I am out running. It hurts like Hell, as I have said before, but I really like it. However, I learned the other day that I am definitely a cool-weather runner. How do people run in the heat?! I ran at probably 6:30, it was around 89 degrees, and I could only do half of my run! Seriously…death. People who do crap like hot yoga, good on you. I will keep to cool weather. Any freaking day.

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I apologize if this post seems a bit half-hazard. I am just truly exhausted. Yesterday was a really long day for me (around 18 hours with my commute worked in) and who knows how much (little?) sleep I got considering my youngest is teething and has some bizarre cold. I am running on fumes (ha, running…get it?).

Just laugh.

I have 1 week until 1 lucky buckeye and I am so excited. I don’t think I will actually be able to run the whole two miles, but I will be able to run some of it and I am confident I will finish it in 30 minutes or less. That is more thank I could say even 6 months ago.

So, until next time,

My Soul Will Need a Censor Bar After This One…

I have given it a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that if I’m going to do this,  I need to be completely honest with you.

 

Oh Gaga and Queen Bey, you totally get it.

 

I’m not doing this to lose weight, but if I am being honest there will always be a part of me that hopes “this running thing” gives me some magically thin body. I can tell myself that I do not care, that I love my body the way it is, and that I am an effing super-human pseudo-mythological lady-beast because I pushed out a couple of bowling-ball-sized meatball babies. All of that is true. 

And yet…

I found myself pacing around my living room today, practically sobbing over the pain in my knee, cursing myself for embarking on this ridiculous venture because I’m just a “fat girl,” and nothing is ever going to change it. I will always be that chubby girl who doesn’t make eye contact with others and fears going to the mall because of what I was sure was my super noticeable love handles and lack of any sort of ass to balance it out.

Now, of course, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a grown woman who has spent a lot of time learning to love my body and be proud of who I am. I love the mall, and while I don’t particularly rock a lot of heels, I am a fan of some cute flats and the occasional wedge. I have embraced my asslessness. But it took a long time and a lot of soul searching to get here. Not to mention a lot of words of encouragement from my husband. The more he loved me, the more I loved myself, even if I pushed hard otherwise. My sons love me and it is in their eyes that I have learned to see myself as beautiful in my own way. 

“I do not need anyone’s permission to feel glorious”

But today is a bad day. Today is one of those days where it doesn’t matter how much I chant to myself “just because someone else is beautiful (and thin),doesn’t mean I’m not pretty (despite my belly flab), or “beauty is a social convention that is created and perpetuated by the media!” I just feel crappy. I am fully aware that beauty is not tied to weight, that those two words are not interchangeable. 

Some logic for your beauty pipe. Smoke up.

I get it.

Sometimes, however, the demons (remember them?) creep in and drive all the body positivity I have completely out the window. Today’s run was horrible. I hurt like hell going into it, and obviously don’t feel great coming out of it. I feel no victory about it, and I actually spent the majority of last night dreading it this morning. In an effort to be completely honest with my readers (I know there are a few of you), I will tell you that I genuinely contemplated not doing today’s run. I wanted to push it off till tomorrow. 

Because I’m sure that would have gone so well…

I want to say this though: at the end of it, I still know without a doubt that I am a rock star. I know it. I know I am doing something that is going to be wonderful for my body and that this pain is because my body doesn’t have any idea what the hell I’m doing to it (**hint** I’m torturing it). I know that when I cross the finish line of my first 5k, after I have RAN the whole thing, I’m going to know I’m awesome and I will feel it. 

But for now, in this moment and on this day, I don’t feel any of those things.

Seriously.

And that is okay. 

 

 

Week 2 is OVER

This week was hard. I thought it was going to be, and I wasn’t disappointed. I am, however, surprised at why it was as hard as it was. I did day 1 with pretty much no hesitation, I even felt good about it. This week is a 5 minute warm up and cool down sandwiching intervals of 90 seconds of running with 2 minutes of walking. It works out to 31 minutes of workout. 

Day 1 came and went without too much to think about.

 

Then, I decided (very last minute) to stay the night with my mother before my next day’s run. I had some old shoes there from my college days, and she had workout clothes I borrowed. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Plus: she lives across from the high school’s stadium which meant I’d get to run on a nice bouncy track. All of this coupled with me not having to drive home at night after a mentally exhausting day at the school, seemed like a perfect combination. 

I think I was wrong. I did my longest distance that day, but immediately felt like my knee was going to explode. It felt like it needed to pop, but hasn’t. I’m almost positive it was the shoes. That was Wednesday, and here I am on Saturday, still hobbling around my house with a sore knee.

 

I am super proud of breaking 2 miles here!

I did still work through it to go on my run yesterday, but I didn’t do near the distance I usually do and I know that’s why. I hurt. A lot. No amount of Fall Out Boy or old school Black Eyed Peas was going to make it any better. 

This was my runkeeper for yesterday. Now, my phone did die with about 2.5 minutes left in my run, so I did go farther than this, but the numbers are still discouraging.

Im lucky to have a network of friends who are very much into running and they have given me wonderful advice to combat the pain. I put an icy/hot patch on it yesterday for a while, then I iced it, and last night I finally took an ibuprofen. I’m hoping to have some modicum of normalcy back for tomorrow’s run, as that is the first day of week 3, which looks to be moderately terrifying (3 minute jogs!!). 

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m in pain, and I want to quit. However, I’m not. I am not quitting this. I want to not just do it, not just complete this stupid regimen, but I want to RUN in the One Lucky Buckeye race and I want to RUN the first 5k I registered for. This pain, while nagging me to just quit, is a reminder that I’m doing something my body isn’t used to. This is a good thing. To use one of the countless motivational sayings you see all the time “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”

I’m fully aware of the lameness of that statement, btw. 

 

Until next time, 

Exhausted

This is about as aptly titled as a post is going to get. I am exhausted after today. You wouldn’t think simply adding 30 more seconds to the jogging intervals would kill someone, but here I am, speaking beyond the grave. 🙂 

In truth, I feel very good about my run this morning. I tacked on those 30 more seconds and I didn’t actually hate it. I know if you’re a seasoned runner, or even some weirdo born with this insatiable need to run all the time (yes, you’re weird), you might think that adding a measly 30 seconds is laughable. However, for someone who was not even remotely physically active for the last 26 years (at least in this sense, I loved baton twirling but not much cardio there for me), it was a big deal. 

I feel like that’s an understatement, but oh well, that will have to do for now.

I didn’t even look at my phone and mentally calculate. I just sucked it up. 

Today though, in lessons learned, I have to say I must work harder to really stretch the right leg. I stretched it in equal time with my left, but my right leg (from the knee down) must just be tighter than my left. The last two reps were death on that leg. I seriously felt like my right leg would burst into flames and also that if my knees could talk they would be cussing me out. 

When I got home though, it took all I had to drag my ass in the door. I am not joking here. I leaned against hub’s car before making my way to the door. I mentally crossed my fingers that my toddler, who had decided to wake up right before I left this morning, had gone back to sleep. I willed it so. 

Apparently the universe and I are not bros. Though I will say, I probably just wore out my cosmic favors by managing to run between downpours this morning. 

I opened the door to the sound of my 3 year old telling my husband that “mommy’s home!!” and the subsequent barrelling down the stairs to tell me he loves me. So obviously my heart turned to mush, which is cool because then it matched my legs. There were snuggles to be had by all!! 

Actually, I write this from a lovely spot on the couch during naptime (picture me singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year,” but insert the word day in place of year). Running days are exhausting, and while being a mommy rocks my socks, there’s no shame in five minutes to myself. Especially when I feel like I’m dead on my feet. On that note, I need to sleep more at night. 

Feels like that’s not going to happen, at least until my husband magically adopts the ability to breastfeed our son. 

Not likely. 

 

Week 1 Becomes Past Tense

Yesterday marked week 1 day 3 in the c25k program. That means when I finished my run yesterday, I was officially done with my first week of running. Holy Hell YES! 

I didn’t screenshot c25k quick enough, but this is my runkeeper app. Woot!

As I finished I had a wonderful feeling of pride that I had completed this seemingly small but simultaneously large step toward a me that I can be proud of. A me that I want to model for my kids. So yeah, I was proud. 

But the day didn’t start out that way. I didn’t want to do that run.Hell, I didn’t want to walk out of my house. I didn’t want to drag my butt out of bed. During my stretches I couldn’t help but feel completely dissociated with this workout I was about to do. It all seemed pointless (?) perhaps. Why was I doing this? 

Were you aware, when you began reading this, that you would be privy to my brief existential crisis? No? Ok…

I think it comes from being given too much alone time with my thoughts. When I run I try to focus on the music I’m listening to. Otherwise I focus on the pain, the burn in my thighs and the tightness in my lungs. If I focused on me while doing that, I would never even be writing this. 

But when I stretch, the demons creep in. The thoughts that I’m too fat for this (coincidentally, I am in no way doing this for weight loss), that I am just not THIS woman. The woman who gets up at dawn,  runs, comes home and takes care of the family like its NBD. The same woman coincidentally looks flawless the whole time and wears expertly coordinated apparel, including jogging leggings. Because those are a thing. Leggings to jog in.

But here’s the thing about forcing myself out the door, putting the earphones in my ears, and just going: it kicks the demons out. The pulsing tones of Fall Out Boy or Meghan Trainor, or Glee (among a host of others) remind me that for these thirty minutes, the demons can fuck off (I warned you in post 1 that I have a potty mouth). 

When that 5 minute cool-down came upon me I felt it like a rush of ice-water pouring over my soul. I had done this, I made it. I walk/jogged through the park, estimating how long and how far I needed to go to get home to make the numbers match and the whole time I felt so much pride. I vaguely remember finishing off to the sounds of Lady Gaga’s “Applause,” and thinking how totally effing right that was.

Then it was over, I got the ding that said I had finished my workout. I “shared” it to the appropriate social media outlet, and I felt victorious. I didn’t hurt, and today I don’t hurt. I know that each week is going to get harder, and I do not believe for a minute how I’m possibly going to run for 30 solid minutes at the end, but I don’t know if any week will be as hard as this one has been. This is the week I turned a corner and actively changed who I am. I’m doing this, all of it, 1 minute at a time.

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Guess what else I did?? I registered for One Lucky Buckeye!!

One Lucky Buckeye

 Now that I’ve paid money, I am obligated right?!