I have given it a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that if I’m going to do this, I need to be completely honest with you.
Oh Gaga and Queen Bey, you totally get it.
I’m not doing this to lose weight, but if I am being honest there will always be a part of me that hopes “this running thing” gives me some magically thin body. I can tell myself that I do not care, that I love my body the way it is, and that I am an effing super-human pseudo-mythological lady-beast because I pushed out a couple of bowling-ball-sized meatball babies. All of that is true.
And yet…
I found myself pacing around my living room today, practically sobbing over the pain in my knee, cursing myself for embarking on this ridiculous venture because I’m just a “fat girl,” and nothing is ever going to change it. I will always be that chubby girl who doesn’t make eye contact with others and fears going to the mall because of what I was sure was my super noticeable love handles and lack of any sort of ass to balance it out.
Now, of course, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a grown woman who has spent a lot of time learning to love my body and be proud of who I am. I love the mall, and while I don’t particularly rock a lot of heels, I am a fan of some cute flats and the occasional wedge. I have embraced my asslessness. But it took a long time and a lot of soul searching to get here. Not to mention a lot of words of encouragement from my husband. The more he loved me, the more I loved myself, even if I pushed hard otherwise. My sons love me and it is in their eyes that I have learned to see myself as beautiful in my own way.
“I do not need anyone’s permission to feel glorious”
But today is a bad day. Today is one of those days where it doesn’t matter how much I chant to myself “just because someone else is beautiful (and thin),doesn’t mean I’m not pretty (despite my belly flab), or “beauty is a social convention that is created and perpetuated by the media!” I just feel crappy. I am fully aware that beauty is not tied to weight, that those two words are not interchangeable.
Some logic for your beauty pipe. Smoke up.
I get it.
Sometimes, however, the demons (remember them?) creep in and drive all the body positivity I have completely out the window. Today’s run was horrible. I hurt like hell going into it, and obviously don’t feel great coming out of it. I feel no victory about it, and I actually spent the majority of last night dreading it this morning. In an effort to be completely honest with my readers (I know there are a few of you), I will tell you that I genuinely contemplated not doing today’s run. I wanted to push it off till tomorrow.
Because I’m sure that would have gone so well…
I want to say this though: at the end of it, I still know without a doubt that I am a rock star. I know it. I know I am doing something that is going to be wonderful for my body and that this pain is because my body doesn’t have any idea what the hell I’m doing to it (**hint** I’m torturing it). I know that when I cross the finish line of my first 5k, after I have RAN the whole thing, I’m going to know I’m awesome and I will feel it.
But for now, in this moment and on this day, I don’t feel any of those things.
Seriously.
And that is okay.
The Ragged Running Mommy 
I can sympathise with knee issues. When I was little and doing lots of ballet I was physically really fit but at 11 I stopped. Now at 20 the muscles around my kneecaps aren’t strong enough to support it properly and that means I get a fair amount of knee pain. So I decided to start working out and joined and gym and set Race For Life 10K at Tatton Park as my goal. Despite not doing all the prep I wanted I managed it in an hour and eight minutes.
If your knee is really bad you might be overdoing it. A friend of mine who used to do a lot of long distance advised me to start with stop-go training. You run for a few minute, then walk for a little bit, then run for a bit. Gradually building up the distance you run as you go on. This helps ward off things like shin splints.
Also doing core and leg muscle work outs aside from cardio/jogging would be a good way to build up the muscle on your legs and hopefully take some of the pressure off your knee.
Best of luck with your 5ks.
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Thank you so much for your advice. I am definitely looking into strengthening workouts for my “rest” days, and have taken the week off to try to get my knee to a place where I do not feel like I may die (melodramatic? maybe.).
Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
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Reblogged this on brandicejo.
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I guess that’s a good sign, for no one feels good about themselves all the time. 🙂 Hey, have you seen “Food, Inc.” (a 2008 film by Robert Kenner)? I find it quite informative. Have a good journey.
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Yes, I’ve seen it. I haven’t bought ground beef since, lol. I come from a small town, with a lot of farmers. For me, 1lbs of ground beef came from a single cow. I am totally freaked out by the process of thousands of cows contributing to 1 pound of beef. That, of course, is not the worst part of the film, but it was definitely something that struck a chord with me.
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