Guys…

Okay, I am not good at keeping up with this blog. At all. This is my first post in a year. Have I run since then? Yes. Have I done races? Yes, a couple longer ones actually. I am just super bad at documenting beyond my social media accounts and that is not fair. I started this blog for a number of reasons, chief amongst them being that I wanted a creative outlet as I embarked on a new lifestyle.

Have I done races? Yes, a couple longer ones actually.

Run and Ride 10k at King’s Island

Mommy Mile 5k

Emerald City Quarter Marathon

I am just super bad at documenting beyond my social media accounts and that is not fair. Not to me or you (if any of you still hang out).

I started this blog for a number of reasons, chief amongst them being that I wanted a creative outlet as I embarked on a new lifestyle of fitness and happiness with myself. I did really well and ran a lot until I hit a wall around 6-9 months in. A few things played a role in that, chief amongst them being a serious bout of depression/anxiety I was dealing with. It took a long time to come out of it and I will admit that even now, more than a year later, I am nowhere near where I was before, fitness wise.

Does that mean I do not still take care of me? It certainly does not. I still very much think that I deserve to be happy and that sacrificing small joys of my own will not make others around me happier. Lately, though, I have been working on finding inner peace in other ways and it has been very freeing.

Running was becoming just another thing that I tortured myself over. If I did not hit my distance goal or time goal I was a mess. I beat myself up about it. In all things, I really am my own worst critic. So now, I just try to find races that look fun and train for them as best I can. Maybe I do not run the whole thing, and that is okay. Walking is still more than I would do on the couch. I was never gunning for first place anyway.

So I think for a while I am going to use this blog to engage my creative side and talk about some of the other aspects of my life. When I am not literally running, I do a lot of other types of running…not to mention that whole mommy part of the title.

So please, hang out and hang on. The ride is only beginning. And for a little fitness inspiration, click the link 😉

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FUpworthy%2Fvideos%2F1344872285553626%2F&show_text=0&width=560” target=”_blank”>Girls of every size ROCK!

Embracing my Inner Rocky

Okay, so here is something you should know about me: I love Rocky Balboa. I do. I have a t-shirt and everything (I also have a Henry VIII shirt, but that’s another story). I remember watching all of the Rocky movies when I was probably 6 or 7 years old and just really enjoying the movies. I do not know why, really. It was probably the heavy use of the power sax. Gotta love that 80s musicality amIright? I should be clear though, I am not necessarily a fan of Sylvester Stallone. I like the movies he did around that time period, but I get the feeling he is really a jerk in real life and that bugs me. However, I will take a sweet 80s fitness montage whenever I can get it. Rocky IV being the greatest of all time. That song? Don’t get me started.   ^^That is totally for your viewing pleasure. How he beats the pants off that Russian is an American freaking miracle and we should just all jump for joy. I mean, he effectively ended the cold war with a jump rope and a sweet synth-laden power ballad (ish). No steroids either. Lap up that liberty peeps. 😉

In all seriousness though, why am I professing my unyielding love for one Mr. Rocky Balboa? Because I totally get to be him now. Oh yeah, I am going head to head with Putin himself in a week. About to serve up some freedom, just let me hail my Bald Eagle.

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Same color as I assume the bruises on my muscles are. Damn I hurt.

Really though, I do get to box. I have joined Title 1 Boxing as there is one right around the corner (basically) and now I get my ass kicked 3 times a week while wearing sweet purple boxing gloves. My husband already has a membership so it was actually cheaper for me to pay for 2 months, plus gloves, plus wraps, than one week of daycare. Since I do not have to pay for daycare during the summer (teacher perk!), I could afford to do something for my body and mind. It is hard. Not joking, it is actually really hard. However, it is so liberating to just lay into that bag. I beat it like it owes me something. Really though, I owe me something, and that thing is fitness. This is just another step toward being the person I really want to be. I want to be fit for my kids so they have that kind of role model in their lives. I also want to just feel good. I have taken off running for the week while my body gets acclimated to this beating and next week I will alternate days. The goal is to be able to do two-a-days wherein I will run in the morning and box in the evenings 3 days a week. I am really driven here.

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So, aside from a small glimpse into the greatness that is Rocky in general and Rocky IV in particular, I want to leave you with a little note. I think it is important to try and make time for you. This entire journey has always been about me getting a little bit of sanity back into my very hectic life. Being a parent is hard and scary and stressful for a number of reasons. Being a teacher is all of these things as well. I sometimes feel like the world is crushing in on me because I can’t see the light on the other side of this long tunnel. Running, and now boxing, helps me to find ME when everything becomes muddy. I don’t want to be misunderstood here people: I love being a mom and a teacher. However, it is important to find a part of myself that is just simply Stephanie. I run to that person and now I am literally fighting to dig her out again. I hope you find you too.

Preaching to my SOLE!

A stock photo of my shoes, because an actual photo of their present state would maybe make you cringe. Also…I am not in the mood to drag them out of the closet and stage them for a pic. #honesty 😉

So I think it is time to get some new running shoes. I have been rocking the Nike Free 5s for almost a year now and they have logged quite a few miles.

However, after this morning’s run, I am beginning to wonder if some of the leg-cramping from the other day was not at least pseudo-related to shoe wear. This morning I got up for my morning run, which should have been epic considering I had so much going for me. My youngest slept through the night (a totally subjective thing, but he slept for over 8 hours in a row which is a rarity), I had ample time to stretch, I got in some water, and it was not yet too blazing hot or humid. I figured it would be good. However, I could tell about halfway through that my knee was just not going to be a fan of the run. The last time it started hurting like this was when I had on the wrong shoes.

And so…

Remember her? Remember rocking those hair berets? I did. It was not pretty.

What shoes should I get? I had some students that were pretty serious runners (one is going to college on a track scholarship!) tell me to get Brooks if I was going to be doing any sort of distance. One of my friends that runs quite a bit said she has heard good things about Mizunos. She actually said that Nikes are notoriously bad for flat feet, which is something I have struggled with for years (because being 11 isn’t hard enough without having some orthopedic inserts to jazz it up). So maybe I could really up my game with a change of shoe?

Now, I am a tad afraid to just order a pair of shoes without trying them on. I ended up with a half-size up in my Nikes and at times that even feels a bit tight. I have narrow feet, so I can imagine if you have wide feet that the Nike Frees are just not for you. That said, I think I will be making a trip to one of the many running stores near me to see what I can find and who has a pickable brain about this sort of thing. I will likely be buying an “older” model running shoe (I feel like I am talking about a car when I say things like that, btw), because cost-effectiveness is always a priority. Obviously.

And with that…I am off into the void. Searching for shoes. Avoiding pushy sales people.

Until next time,

Wow, it has been a while!

I have not posted here in about 6 months (maybe more) and it is a complete shame. I HAVE been running, I have done a few races actually. However, I would be greatly remiss if I told you I was keeping up with it in the manner I should have for the entirety of this separation. Allow me to summarize:

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Kinsale St. Patrick’s Day 4 Miler: March 14th, 2015

I ran this one with my brother. I should say that “with” is a loose term. My brother smoked my 12 minute mile (usually) pace, clocking an impressive 32 minutes for the four mile course. This was my first race back at it after the winter lull in which I did not train as much as I wanted to (negative temperatures were just not my thing).

I also learned a valuable lesson: I am not an evening runner. I did poorly for a number of reasons. Chiefly: I wasn’t well-trained enough. I did not end in last place, but I did not do as well as I would have liked. In addition to this I learned that I am not providing my body with the things it needs to do the job right. I did not eat well and I did not properly hydrate throughout that day. It was a recipe for disaster, but I did at least learn something.

*BONUS*

The next morning I got up to run a couple miles and fell. I truly ate dirt. Luckily it was at the end of my run and near enough to my house that I did not have to hobble far.

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Lady Tutu 5K: March 28th, 2015

Let it never be said that I do not enjoy a good tutu, my husband on the other hand was so happy to see this leave the dining room-ahem, my workstation- for good. It had glitter tulle in it and I loved it.

This race was wonderful for a number of reasons. It was unseasonably cold, which actually ended up not being too bad. I got to run it with my best friend, her first 5k, and having never run with a friend before I must say it was really very fun. I hit a PR and felt amazing after it was all said and done. We then went to waffle house and I demolished one hell of a breakfast.

After this I got to have a nap. If any of you out there have kids, you know this is a rarity. I was cold to the bone and I had plans with my other best friend that evening and I NEEDED a nap. I was happy for the hour I got.

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The Lull From Lady Tutu all the way until school let out:

I usually do not like to discuss personal matters, but lately I have been reading a lot about people who find comfort knowing others are going through the same thing as them. After those races I was riding on a serious high, but then I crashed. The end of the school year was upon me, there was a lot to be done to finish up novels and make sure all standards were covered. Sometimes it felt like the world was shrinking in on me. My anxiety peaked and panic attacks became frequent. I knew that running would help to balance me out, but there just did not seem to be enough hours in the day. I also turned to food to comfort me, even if I was not fully aware of it at the time. My husband, who joined Title Boxing club, lost 65 pounds and while I was so very proud of him I was also intensely jealous. I always maintain that I do not run for weight-loss as much as mental well-being, but it was hard to have done something for so long and counted every calorie and cut out everything “bad” (prior to the breakdown I seemed to have found myself in) to lose barely 10 lbs. It was just the last, albeit superficial, straw. I then stopped counting calories, which in addition to stopping running caused me to tack back on those 10 lbs.

This was one of the many quotes I found that I started to look at religiously. “Little Inspirations” as I called them, helped me breathe a little easier and know that eventually I would come out on the other side.

But then…

The year started to come to a close. I finished up the last of my RESA tasks (it is a nightmare, I cannot even begin to tell you), the retiring librarian donated an entire book shelf worth of books to my class library, and I started making plans to get my rear back in gear. I began to breathe easier.

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The Candy Race: June 20th, 2015

Can you tell that it was raining and freaking horrible? That lovely lady to my left (your right), the one without a small child attached to their body? That is my sister. It was exciting to run a race “with” my sister. I say with loosely here because, once again despite my training I was beaten by my sibling. This time though, it was not so bad. Actually, we probably would have ended together had I not had a cramp in the middle of mile 1, causing me to pretty much limp/walk for a majority of the race. Let that be a lesson folks, STRETCH!!! I couldn’t get my husband out of the house that day, and so by the time we got on the road, I was left with only 10 minutes to stretch before running in the pouring rain. It did not go well. This was the worst time I have ever done. As a matter of fact, I clocked the same distance about 12 minutes faster just two days prior to this race. I was devastated and cried most of the way home. This was my first race back at it and it was the worst race I had ever done. Hell, it was the worst RUN I had ever done. I felt pathetic at best and while I typically despise self-pity, I definitely wallowed in it for about 24 hours.

However, there are bright and shiny moments to this gloomy day:

My sister, who finished 6 minutes ahead of me, came back to get me so we could cross together. It was the kindest thing that I can remember someone doing for me in quite some time. My family is supportive and my sister is a shining example of that. My heart swelled so much and I swear to you I almost cried right there.

Also, there was a kid’s dash:

Henry got to run and he did quite well. Of course they do not time the kids’ dashes, but I would not have cared if he was dead last. I was super proud.

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And so that is where we are right now. I am very much training for a half-marathon as we speak. I am also going to start going to Title boxing as well for cross-training. I had meant to start going a couple of weeks ago, but I decided I needed to get back in the habit of JUST running before adding in something else. If you stuck around for this whole post, thanks. I appreciate it. Tomorrow I will begin posting more “normal” posts, but today I will leave you with this:

New Year

Happy New Year Everyone!

I am sorry for the lull in posts, I really am still running. I have changed my goal a bit though, as opposed to doing a 5k every month for a year, I am upping myself to a few 5ks, but also 10ks whenever possible. Additionally, I am planning on running in the Capital City Half Marathon here in Columbus this May.

WHAT?!

The inevitable tool of my demise, lol

I downloaded the 13.1 app for my phone, and the thing I like about it is that it appears to focus on shorter length of time running, but with more repetition. The hard part about the C25K program is that I really have trouble doing anything more than 5 solid minutes of running, before I need a minute of walk time. Running for 30 minutes with no walk time, well that is just not going to happen. That is not to say I will not eventually build up to that, but I am just not there right now. I am not ashamed (okay, maybe a little), this is being done in baby steps.

Another thing I like about this app, is that is incorporates cross-training in. Every day of the week has a check off, and I like need that. This is a 13 week program, and while I planned on starting with the new year, the weather had other plans:

The White Death

You know, I think I could handle the snow, I really could. However, the White Death brought with it subzero freaking temps. It is actually negative 8 degrees outside right now. -8!! I hope you understand the gravity of that situation. I am not all about having ice in my lungs. HARD PASS.

Luckily, I do have access to a weight room with treadmills, ellipticals, and a few other machines at the school I work at, and while I hate the treadmill I am just going to have to suck it up. So now it is just a matter of not having school. I love snow days, they are a lovely teacher perk, but if this is my  plan…well it is not going to work. BUT! If I start next week, that puts me at the middle of April as a finisher of the program. The 1/2 marathon is in May.

No truer words…

I have also had an excessively long-lasting headache for the better part of the last month, and so I have been having trouble getting the will to run. However, I am just going to have to push through it I guess, because I NEED to run. I run for the long term benefits, and every day I don’t run is a day I feel like I have taken away from my life in the future. So, I need to run (bitch?).

So…until next time,

p.s.

Look what my parents…err Santa… got me for Christmas?!

It can store up to 50 runs, and it basically talks to my shoes. That is some serious technology, and it is for my wrist! #fitnessbling people!

 

Man I am running late…(was that a pun?)

I ran in the Hot Chocolate 5k/15k and I learned a very valuable lesson: next year, do the 15k. While the chocolate at the end is sweet, I want the damned medal…lol

Yay! they gave me a mug full of hot chocolate and candy and fondue…

Here is the skinny on running the Hot Chocolate race: while the prize may be the best cup of hot cocoa I have ever received (I am convinced this is because I was so cold that literally anything warm would have been welcome. I would have drank lava.), the race itself was maybe the coldest I have ever been in my life. We are at 2 weeks post race now and I still have a cough, though at least I am not coughing up stuff similar to that thing from Ghostbusters 1. Ectoplasm? I don’t know.

What I do know is that despite the fact I live in Columbus (the Columbus area), I will be staying in a hotel next year. Being 2 hours early just so I can park is for the birds. I was so cold I could actually not feel my thighs by the time the race was over. My husband, the tremendous flaky slacker (hope you are reading this honey) that he is, having stopped running approximately 5 minutes after buying new running shoes and under armour shorts, was forced to sit and watch in the cold. He told me he wished he had ran.

Told you so honey.

Yep. Betcha did.

Somewhere around mile 1 I stopped being cold. So there is that. Somewhere around mile 2.5, I realized I probably could go at least 5 miles. It would have been no big deal, because hey, why not? I feel like there is definitely this feeling that kicks in around then where it feels better to run than to walk, so just run.

Another fun thing about this race (have I said it was fun? yeah…it was totally fun), is that they give you chocolate in the middle of the race. No freaking joke. They have a little sign that says “chocolate chip aid station ahead,” and I thought “Hey, what a cute name for a first aid station!” You know, I thought (logically?) that maybe it was a place for an injured runner to get a band aid or something. Nope.

It was actually a place for chocolate chips. They handed out chocolate chips to runners. Hahaha!

It understands that obviously, mid-run, we would like a bit of chocolate…

I ate one, shoved the rest in my pocket, and called it even. However, a couple hundred feet ahead there was just half-chewed pieces of chocolate spit all over the ground. It was totally gross. Lol. I just saved it for the kids, I knew they would be excited about chocolate pieces, however arbitrary they may be.

Now let’s get down to brass tacks:

My time sucked. Hard. I would like to think that the majority of the reason why is because I was so cold. All in all I actually did not do that bad, all things considering. For my age category I came in smack in the middle. I am trying to decide if it matters or not what my time is. I do not think it really does, because I do not do this for the race factor. I do this for the health factor.

run forrest…run

Man…I am not a pretty runner. I think that is okay. I feel good about what I did here, so I will accept it. Besides, pretty is subjective. 🙂

I feel like I could go on and on about this race, but I genuinely do not want to take up much more of your time than necessary. I will leave you with this: Rock on peeps! Even if it is freezing, even if you have to stop to walk a bit. Make it happen. You are loved, just the way you are, but if this is something you would like to make a part of the many faceted you, then by all means, do it! I am, and it is by tippy toes, not leaps. You’ve got this!

On Wasting Time

While I was running the other day I had the following thought: “Gosh…this is such a waste of time!”

Of course, this was something that popped into my head smack in the middle of a 3-minute stretch of running (hey, I am proud to say I can do that now, and it is awesome!).

I just could not get into it on this day. I have been having trouble getting out to even do the run more than twice a week, and I was feeling really discouraged. Hot Chocolate is in less than a month and I really wanted to run it all, no walking, and I just do not see it happening. I have mentioned I am a teacher, and lately that has been super stressful. Basically, I was just having a “down” day.

It is always so hard to convince yourself.

So I had this thought, and it wove its way into my brain, slithering around like the slimy beast it was. I thought “Man, I could be spending these 30 minutes grading papers, or loving on my kids, or talking to another adult! This, this is selfish. I will never get this time back.”  But then I finished that section of running, and was doing my 90 seconds of walk time, and I realized that I am not sacrificing anything, I am INVESTING.

I am guaranteeing that I will be around to hang out with my kids in the future, that they will not have to worry about me dropping dead of a heart attack at 45. I am ensuring that when I decide to have other babies, my body and heart will be able to handle carrying them too. That whole “high risk” pregnancy thing is old.

I am making sure that my students get the best and most patient version of me they can. I am no good to them when I am stressed to the breaking point. Running ensures that I am leaving all of my frustrations on the pavement, and not taking it out on them.

But Running is also something I am doing for me, because I am a person and I deserve to treat myself well. Running helps me to work through my thoughts, and get rid of my excess frustrations and energy. It allows me to face down my own personal demons everyday, and tackle them. I push myself to what I think is a breaking point every time I run, and I push past it.

No, I am not wasting time. I am gaining it.

…and liars are not to be trusted.

My First Race: One Lucky Buckeye

I did it! I ran in the One Lucky Buckeye Race, and I did not even come in last. I am so proud of me that I cannot even begin to come up with words to describe the feeling.

This is saying something because I am a grade-A chatterbox. I mean, I have a degree in English because of my intense infatuation with words. I have an understanding with my husband to just mercy kill me if I one day am unable to speak… I do not think he would live up to his end of that bargain though, not because he loves me too much, but because he might enjoy the silence.

I wish I could tell you the entire slew of emotions I felt as I crossed this finish line, my FIRST finish line. I have walked a couple 5ks in the past, and it is not like I ran this entire 2 mile race, but this was the culmination of a lot of work for me. There was so much energy surrounding me leading up to this moment. The women who entered this race all had a purpose. Everyone came out in their red to support the ross heart center at OSU for their own reasons. When the 8 mile entrants left, and then the 4 mile gals, I could feel so many sensations. It was cold, but that was not why I was shivering. I was nervous.

Would I finish last? 

Would I finish at all? 

Would these leggings, which had fit when I left the house but have now decided to attempt a migration below my non-ass, stay on for the duration of the run (that was a question that repeatedly nagged me throughout the course)?

Would I pee myself in nervousness?

Hubby took this picture and the whole time I posed with this heart I couldn’t help feeling like I was in a pageant, lol.

All of these thoughts raced through my head as I waited to cross the line and start this adventure of mine. Then we set off and it was crowded and then we started to dissipate and I began to run. I felt so alive. When I slowed to a walk there were still a lot of women at my pace, it really wasn’t until we got to the (what I am guessing) half-mile point that they started thinning out. I intermittently jogged and walked, doing what my body told me I could. At some point my legs got to a point where they would rather run, as it hurt a little less, and so that is what I did. I did not bring my phone (I got a new one btw, pretty excited) because, silly me, I did not think anyone would. Imagine my surprise when I show up and just about everyone has their headphones in and their phones strapped to their arms. Instead, I was left to my own thoughts.

On this day, there were no “demons.”

There was not one thought in my head telling me I could not do this. I had nothing but positive thoughts. I was surrounded by women, all of us there for a common goal, all of us supporting one another. There were women my age, women a little older, women with their pre-teen daughters, teenage girls, grandmothers, every woman. And something I did not think about until that morning was the reasoning behind their participation.

A lot of these women, most of them really, had been impacted by heart-health. Some were running for their selves, some were running for their mothers, some were running for a person lost too soon. I was running for me, and for the good I wanted to get out of my body. However, as I was running I could not help to think of my own grandmother, she died of complications due to congestive heart failure. My mother, who has high blood pressure, my dad who has the same, and the myriad of family members of mine that have bum hearts. I personally do not know what it is like to have a “risk-free” pregnancy because inevitably I end up hospitalized with high BP. I was on medication for my blood pressure years before having my first child.

Somewhere in the middle of the race my race became about everyone else. I was racing for me, but I was also racing for my family. I was racing for my grandma, and my parents, and my children who deserve a mommy they don’t have to worry is going to have a heart attack at 45. A mommy that models a lifestyle that will insure they are able to develop healthy habits to keep any heart problems at bay for them.

I was racing for all of it.

I had so many emotions and fought back tears throughout the race.

For realz… what is the deal?!

Since having kids I have become overly-weepy and frequently kick myself at the dumbass things I cry about. Wanting to cry over a two-mile race, not because it is hard, but just because…gag me with a chainsaw. You would never know I used to be the future lawyer with a heart of stone would you?

And so there I was, running/walking through this race, occasionally checking to make sure there were people behind me, and fighting back tears like the pseudo-loser I can sometimes be (not that crying makes you a loser, obviously, just that even I am disgusted with some of the things I cry about). When I came upon the final corner, there were little cheering people telling me the end was near and I was so excited.

I took off running, yanking my ridiculously ill-fitting leggings up and pulling my shirt down simultaneously and when I rounded the corner and saw the finish line I felt the biggest smile come across my face.

I was going to finish.

I was almost there.

“Stephanie Davis, congratulations!”

Crossing the finish line at 1 lucky buckeye!!

You can kind of see my smile in that picture. I was so excited. I came in at around 27 minutes. Considering I usually do a little less than 2 miles and it takes me 30 minutes, that would be my best time ever for that distance. I was number 115 out of 236, so I did not finish dead last, I was smack in the middle!

They gave me a medal, but they had plaques for the 8 mile finishers and so I kind of feel like next year I am going to have to do the 8 miles… I am totally motivated by rewards.

I was so proud of this medal. I have won a lot of medals in my life, but this one was super satisfying in a whole new way.

Don’t you love my red lipstick?! It was really the only red accessory I had for the day, and I felt pretty BA running with lipstick on. I did have to wipe it off my teeth for this photo though, so I am sure it was quite the source of enjoyment for people I talked to. 😉

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LOOKING AHEAD: Hot Chocolate

My motivation is totally chocolate… however, the sweet hoodie and other swag you give seems pretty legit too. Also, there is a big party at the end for the kids, so double perks.

I will be running the hot chocolate 5k here in Columbus on November 16. I am deciding which 5k I will do in October. I had to take a break in training because of my knee (remember?) so I am not sure if October is even going to be feasible, at least not an early one. Maybe something for halloween?! I do love that particular holiday.

However, my mother was so proud of me for doing the One Lucky Buckeye race that she wanted to sponsor me in the Hot Chocolate one. So I am officially registered, and that is thanks to my mother. Giant shout out to my mama!!!

So follow along as I continue this journey!!

Fear Not!

I am still running, I promise. However, I am also a teacher and have one helluva commute and so my time to post is scarce. My free time is a precious commodity that must be divvied up to make two small children and one husband happy while simultaneously allowing me to plan my lessons. Making time to run is something I have not been doing great at…

BUT I AM TRYING I SWEAR!

inspiration?

Yeah… I firmly believe the douchebags that come up with little quips like that pinterest-gleaned bundle of sunshine right there are actually sadists. Sadists who have no commute and no kids and if they do have kids, they’re probably practically adults in their level of self-sufficiency by the age of two because lord knows the maker of this type of saying is not going to care for them. “what is that? you need me to wipe your nose? YOU ARE TWO, ALMOST THREE, ACT LIKE IT!”

I had about a week and a half where I did not run, I will be totally honest. I could genuinely not even walk like a normal person without copious amounts of ibuprofen and too many bags of frozen pees to count. I made the mistake of wearing heels (and they were “comfort” heels) to the first inservice of the year and now the ladies I work with think I am an idiot who can’t walk in heels. I had that whole “newborn calf” thing going.

Me: true story

Then, sometime relatively recently, I woke up and the pain was gone! I think it was after I got some new running shoes and I tried wearing them around the house in an attempt to break them in. As soon as I put them on, there was instant relief in my knee. This leads me to believe it was definitely a shoe/poor form issue with my knee in the first place. Now that I have my lovely new tennies, and I have tweaked my stride a bit, I have not had any knee issues, so YAY!! Not to mention they are pretty. I am a sucker for pink.

My new Nike Free 5.0 shoes! They have nike plus, but I haven’t set it up yet. Should I? Is that something any of you use?

Pay no attention to the crappy flash. I dropped my phone (a myriad of times) and this happened. The shoes are great, hubby got a pair in some super neon green, but they don’t have nike plus. So do I maybe have 1 up on him? I would like to think so.

So now I am back to the grind of running! I love the freedom I feel when I am out running. It hurts like Hell, as I have said before, but I really like it. However, I learned the other day that I am definitely a cool-weather runner. How do people run in the heat?! I ran at probably 6:30, it was around 89 degrees, and I could only do half of my run! Seriously…death. People who do crap like hot yoga, good on you. I will keep to cool weather. Any freaking day.

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I apologize if this post seems a bit half-hazard. I am just truly exhausted. Yesterday was a really long day for me (around 18 hours with my commute worked in) and who knows how much (little?) sleep I got considering my youngest is teething and has some bizarre cold. I am running on fumes (ha, running…get it?).

Just laugh.

I have 1 week until 1 lucky buckeye and I am so excited. I don’t think I will actually be able to run the whole two miles, but I will be able to run some of it and I am confident I will finish it in 30 minutes or less. That is more thank I could say even 6 months ago.

So, until next time,

My Soul Will Need a Censor Bar After This One…

I have given it a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that if I’m going to do this,  I need to be completely honest with you.

 

Oh Gaga and Queen Bey, you totally get it.

 

I’m not doing this to lose weight, but if I am being honest there will always be a part of me that hopes “this running thing” gives me some magically thin body. I can tell myself that I do not care, that I love my body the way it is, and that I am an effing super-human pseudo-mythological lady-beast because I pushed out a couple of bowling-ball-sized meatball babies. All of that is true. 

And yet…

I found myself pacing around my living room today, practically sobbing over the pain in my knee, cursing myself for embarking on this ridiculous venture because I’m just a “fat girl,” and nothing is ever going to change it. I will always be that chubby girl who doesn’t make eye contact with others and fears going to the mall because of what I was sure was my super noticeable love handles and lack of any sort of ass to balance it out.

Now, of course, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a grown woman who has spent a lot of time learning to love my body and be proud of who I am. I love the mall, and while I don’t particularly rock a lot of heels, I am a fan of some cute flats and the occasional wedge. I have embraced my asslessness. But it took a long time and a lot of soul searching to get here. Not to mention a lot of words of encouragement from my husband. The more he loved me, the more I loved myself, even if I pushed hard otherwise. My sons love me and it is in their eyes that I have learned to see myself as beautiful in my own way. 

“I do not need anyone’s permission to feel glorious”

But today is a bad day. Today is one of those days where it doesn’t matter how much I chant to myself “just because someone else is beautiful (and thin),doesn’t mean I’m not pretty (despite my belly flab), or “beauty is a social convention that is created and perpetuated by the media!” I just feel crappy. I am fully aware that beauty is not tied to weight, that those two words are not interchangeable. 

Some logic for your beauty pipe. Smoke up.

I get it.

Sometimes, however, the demons (remember them?) creep in and drive all the body positivity I have completely out the window. Today’s run was horrible. I hurt like hell going into it, and obviously don’t feel great coming out of it. I feel no victory about it, and I actually spent the majority of last night dreading it this morning. In an effort to be completely honest with my readers (I know there are a few of you), I will tell you that I genuinely contemplated not doing today’s run. I wanted to push it off till tomorrow. 

Because I’m sure that would have gone so well…

I want to say this though: at the end of it, I still know without a doubt that I am a rock star. I know it. I know I am doing something that is going to be wonderful for my body and that this pain is because my body doesn’t have any idea what the hell I’m doing to it (**hint** I’m torturing it). I know that when I cross the finish line of my first 5k, after I have RAN the whole thing, I’m going to know I’m awesome and I will feel it. 

But for now, in this moment and on this day, I don’t feel any of those things.

Seriously.

And that is okay.